4 I get my 昀椀rst period during games. 5 I cry in the church 6 bathroom and don’t tell anyone. I’m scared that somehow 7 5 happened again. I steal my mother’s pads and hide the used ones under my bed until I can sneak them into the trash right before it goes out. 13 I join the youth group at the other Baptist church in town. The leader sits us down and tells us abortion is murder, evolution is a lie, and the liberal media wants us to believe 2 being gay is okay. I also use the internet for the 昀椀rst time 3 outside of school assignments. I learn how to choose 4 reliable sources from the school librarian. On my own, 5 I research abortion and being gay. What I 昀椀nd doesn’t 6 7 match what I am told. I ask the leader about this. He says 8 babies scream during abortions. I tell him fetuses don’t 9 have vocal cords at twelve-weeks old. He yells at me a lot. 10 I don’t relent, and he cancels the youth group. 14 Now I’m a helper at Vacation Bible School. 2 This year, it isn’t a missionary and his family. It’s a youth group and their leader from a church in Denver. 3 Some 4 of the guys are in seminary. Others are 昀椀nishing high 5 6 school. Caleb is starting seminary in the fall. It is unusual for a Baptist guy not to be named after one of the twelve 7 8 disciples. My parents say his name means jackal. He 9 styles his hair and wears cologne. He’s not supposed 10 to, and I feel a little excited that he does anyway. Caleb 11 doesn’t wear his polo and khakis one size too big. I can see his muscles and tell how much time he spends playing soccer. 12 13 He doesn’t avoid girls like the other guys do. He tells 14 a joke about how shaky his hands are. I think about his 15 16 hands. I like him. I like him so much I’m scared to eat in 17 front of him. He’s the 昀椀rst guy to make me think about 18 19 having sex. I wonder if his hands always shake. I explore these feelings by myself in the dark. 21 After, I pray and ask god for forgiveness. I promise 22 I won’t ever do it again. I’ll be good and stop thinking about 23 guys like that. Pleasure is not for me. PLAINS PARADOX ■ 30