4+ My parents ask me if I know where I’ll go when I die. They tell me that they and my brother will go to heaven 2 3 because they are saved. I want to go too. They say that because I was born, I have automatically fallen short of 4 5 the glory of god. I am separated from him. They want to make sure I know I’m a sinner, and sinners who don’t repent go to hell. 6 I hear a bible story about someone who goes to hell and begs someone from heaven to place a 7 drop of water on his tongue. Hell is 昀椀lled with 昀氀ames, and I’m scared of 昀椀re. 8 9 My mother closes the door to my room. I sit on the 10 bed, crying and clutching my Barbie comforter. She 11 tells me the prayer to say. I have trouble saying it loudly enough because I keep hyperventilating between sobs. 12 13 They are happy now that I’m saved. 5 Everyone I know is part of the church. The person I love most is one of the men in my family. 2 3 He gives me hugs and buys me little gifts. My favorite is a cloud-shaped jewelry box with a pink Pegasus 昀椀gure 4 attached to the top. He takes care of me and helps me when I have bad dreams. 5 He asks me to play a game with him, a game that’s 6 7 8 only for us. I say yes. I don’t like it, but he does. The next 9 time he asks, I tell him I don’t want to play. I say I’m going 10 to tell someone. He says if I do, he’ll tell everyone I’m lying. 11 12 Lying is a sin, and I’ll get in trouble. Do I want to get in 13 14 trouble? He says no one will believe me. I stop saying no. 15 The game continues until I am seven. 7 After school, I attend Sparks, a program at the church. I wear a little red button-up vest and memorize bible 2 verses. When I 昀椀nish each book, I get an iron-on patch. 3 I cry when I don’t do as well as some of the other kids. 4 5 I want to be good. My parents drill me on the verses at home too. 6 7 The pastor plays the accordion during song time. My favorite is “Lord’s Army.” 27 ■ PLAINS PARADOX